Well Then, If Not You – Then Who?

You know, if I can’t talk to you about this shit – then who do you want for me to share this stuff with.  It’s of a totally personal caliber, you know – really private things.   In fact, I know that you wouldn’t ever want me to talk to ANYONE about this stuff.  Probably, you would rather I just didn’t even think about the things I do.  Not just this thought either – but about 90% of what I say out loud you find discomfort in.  

WTF are you doing with me?  I know that statement makes you mad, irritated – it makes you roll your eyes which then makes me fucking furious.  Lately I have found myself asking myself that over and over in my head.  I know why I am with you, and it is not at all because of my culture, religion or fear of others thinking poorly of me for being divorced.  It’s because I am completely and utterly in love with you and love being a part of this family we have lovingly created together. 

I am in love with you, and my biggest fear with us is that I love you so much more for the right reasons. I fear you are loving me more out of duty and love at this point.  I don’t feel like I am your true other half at times.  You don’t share your life with me completely.  

We have been together for over 2 decades and there are still things about me that you don’t know, and that you don’t want to know.  You don’t really ask me questions, not that you ever did. But when I ask questions; that as a couple we should be able to discuss – because if not you – then who is my love?  Tonight I wanted to ask you something about “personal sexual experiences” – and you completely shut me down.  I wish we were the kind of couple that could really be open and vulnerable with each other.  I wish for you to want me to know all about you – and that we could even learn more about ourselves together throughout our marriage.  When I was leaving the room after you shut down – I told you this did not make me assured that we are close with each other.  I don’t feel like I could share all or much of my true self with you because you’re unwilling to be vulnerable with me – making me afraid and TOTALLY un-comfortable with you.  The way we cannot be open and honest with each other triggers me to feel shameful and dirty.

I believe you are embarrassed with me and my “thoughts” that most times I like to share.  I especially wish I could be my fearless and confident self with you the most.  Unfortunately, I feel more ashamed and completely lack self confidence. Just saying you love someone isn’t enough.  The words are not all they are cracked up to be.  It’s got to be shown.  I wish you felt the need to compliment me – sometimes at least.  I wish you talked nicely about me in front of our children so they could see and feel that you were proud of me too.  I wish you had invited me to be a part of your other life, and that I felt that everyone you knew also “knew” that you were proud of me too.  I wish too that you could see me as I used to be able to see myself.  I have always wished for you to believe in me.  Really believe in me the way my foster mom used to really believe in me.  I’ve never felt that – and I have to admitt I pretty much didn’t realize how much I needed that for me to feel strong and brave and a fucking star! I feel as though you try so hard to push all that awful stuff that made me the person I am today into some box far far away – just hoping I will just forget it all and be happy,magically.  It’s not possible.  I have tried so hard for you and your family to be quiet and “act” normal… but I am not normal – nor quiet – and so I do need extra love and support…always.   Most of all,  I wish you recognized my resilience and bravery to keep my trauma at bay and not to take over my life.  I wish  you understood or tried to show empathy and give me encouragement whilst I am fighting to survive the demons that find me in my nightmares that then bleed into my day.  

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