They Find Me In My Sleep

You know what? It’s just unbelievably uncool to be in my head sometimes. But its most uncool during my sleeping hours. I am sure I have talked about this before but I feel my night terrors are such a source of indescribable torture in so many ways; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually… that it might be ok to share again.

My daughter asked me the other day when was the last time I had a good night’s sleep? Or had good dreams that I could remember? We were sitting in my van in front of my house, just about to take off on our family errands… She had previously heard me talking to someone about my bad dreams that day and many times before I am sure!! I thought about this question.

“I don’t think I can really even remember babes.” I replied to her. I was shaking my head cuz it was hard to realize that.

I am not even telling you all a fib. I go to sleep each night and face the worst demons. Demons that I thought I had escaped when I was so young. Like I fought like a lion as a child to escape what was meant to be my demise. I technically made it through, I am some kind of success story in some kind of stupid thought I guess. I mean, I stopped so many unhealthy cycles in my family – I am OK now – RIGHT?? Well, pardon my fucking awful language usage but that’s all complete BULLSHIT! Sure folks, no one is beating my face in and calling me a fucking worthless cunt… and no one is currently being paid a salary to house and care for me while at the same time as cashing the cheque they are grooming me for deviancy. Oh I could go on. However, when I lay my head down to sleep – the demons come to me in my dreams. This is over 30 years later. I am still suffering.

I hate going to sleep. I cry about it at least once a day. It’s a huge source of my anxiety every single day and night of my life. I know I am not alone in this. I know we all have our own struggles and for so many of us the night time is the worst of it.

3 thoughts on “They Find Me In My Sleep

  1. I also suffer from Anxiety as well as Panic Attacks.

    I’m not someone who can fall asleep easily, it can sometimes take me 4-7 hours to fall asleep, unless I stay up to 4-5 in the morning. Sometimes it goes on like this for a day or two, other times it’s months, and I often wonder, how can I go on like this, how can I get up and go to work and live a normal life, it’s so exhausting and it affects my daily life. But this, what I have now, it’s infinitely better than what I had when I was in the system for those 15 years of my life. Very few of the places I lived have happy memories.

    Stay strong and take care!

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  2. check out: Pete Buecker the unbroken on spotify he’s on youtube too. Also Joe Dispenza nueroscientist . On Gaia and on youtube. These are amazing resources for healing trauma. I’ve been doing it for a while now and have great results. Love you ❤

    Like

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