You know what? It’s just unbelievably uncool to be in my head sometimes. But its most uncool during my sleeping hours. I am sure I have talked about this before but I feel my night terrors are such a source of indescribable torture in so many ways; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually… that it might be ok to share again.
My daughter asked me the other day when was the last time I had a good night’s sleep? Or had good dreams that I could remember? We were sitting in my van in front of my house, just about to take off on our family errands… She had previously heard me talking to someone about my bad dreams that day and many times before I am sure!! I thought about this question.
“I don’t think I can really even remember babes.” I replied to her. I was shaking my head cuz it was hard to realize that.
I am not even telling you all a fib. I go to sleep each night and face the worst demons. Demons that I thought I had escaped when I was so young. Like I fought like a lion as a child to escape what was meant to be my demise. I technically made it through, I am some kind of success story in some kind of stupid thought I guess. I mean, I stopped so many unhealthy cycles in my family – I am OK now – RIGHT?? Well, pardon my fucking awful language usage but that’s all complete BULLSHIT! Sure folks, no one is beating my face in and calling me a fucking worthless cunt… and no one is currently being paid a salary to house and care for me while at the same time as cashing the cheque they are grooming me for deviancy. Oh I could go on. However, when I lay my head down to sleep – the demons come to me in my dreams. This is over 30 years later. I am still suffering.
I hate going to sleep. I cry about it at least once a day. It’s a huge source of my anxiety every single day and night of my life. I know I am not alone in this. I know we all have our own struggles and for so many of us the night time is the worst of it.