You see, the problem really is that all throughout my days AND nights I have this dialogue of sorts – where to which I sound incredibly smart, well spoken and inspiring to the max – I seem to have some issue with actually putting it into words. I can say it so smart like in my mind, but to actually convey that shit into the “right” words that it is both interesting and informative at the same time has been more than a challenge. It takes a type of courage, bravery and resilience I fear I don’t posses so much anymore.
You know how they say when you are young you think you are invincible? I know you do…because even though I was painfully aware that I was never to believe in my ability to be invincible – but rather I was shown time and time again, over and over – I was mostly just invisible.
One of my most strongest assets as a child growing up in a traumatic childhood for me was that I was incredibly resilient. People always have said how resilient I am… like, “WOW!, you have survived so much awfulness, you are SO resilient!” I dont even know if I can explain how much that statement has effected me; both postivly and negativaly growing up. Even to this day – I get it, I’m mother fucking teflan! Nothing sticks here folks!
Since as young as I can remember I have had this vision in my head of me as one of those inflatable punching bags for kids. Do you remember those? You could punch this thing, it was usually close to our sizes when we were around maybe eight – twelve years old.
When you punched it though – regardless of how hard you punched it – it just fucking bounced right back up like “Now what?”… over and over and over again… that was my childhood. That’s actually been my life. It seems that no matter what has been thrown at me – to EVERYONE around me I can handle it. I got this. “She is SO resilient!”.
Well Folks! Not feeling so much teflan like tonight. I feel like even a teflon pan treated roughly and eventually just gets taken advantage of for the fact that it is expected to withstand the heat… Even though your told over and over that you shouldn’t use metal on teflon – you do – they do… and then even the best of the best of teflon eventually gets stripped down too much… Sure, the teflan may still cook things with “less” sticky situations – it’s ultimatly left raw and wounded. I am desperate for no one to know that I’m not that same resiliant person I was growing up – but at the same time I am even more so desperate for someone to see that I am barely keeping my head above the water…
I have SO much SHIT going on. So much shit – that people find it too much to hear, think about let alone care about. Either it’s unreal, or bizzare – absolutly unbeliveable – OR – it’s awful, lets not talk about it – lets not think about it. If we avoid it – well that will magically will the pain, anguish and your important questions – well let them go. Let it go. Do you know how many important people in my life have made me feel shame for talking about it? I’m not even just talking about those who actually said – “you shouldn’t talk about that… it’s in the past..” but those closest to me that have made me feel shame by simply ignoring the history. Expecting me to be just like the rest of em’…”that shit did happen in the past didn’t it?” And, “couldn’t have been that bad – look at you now”.
So now the very fact that I was so blessed with resilience to survive a horrid childhood I was forced to endure as a child was in the end being used against me for my weakest moments.
I am at a weak moment… I feel as though I need something but I can’t quite figure out what it is. For the first time as far back as I can remember I want to be alone. I need space. I need love and support… I think in the end that what we all need.