I want this blog to be more than just the “boo-hoo” bullshit – I want to encourage not just surviving but thriving. But honestly, that is just so hard right now. I am going through a tremendous amount of stress. It’s not the regular everyday kind of stress you know? It’s the kind of stress that most people don’t understand.
I started this great job just shy of a year ago. It’s the first time that I feel like I fit you know? I feel competent, useful and able to do my job very well. I absolutely love talking and supporting people, especially during times of difficulty – I think I am really good at it. Before working in the hospital as a Diet Clerk I had been working in Social Work in the DTES for nearly ten years. I loved that work as well – but just like all the other Social Support Workers – I got completely drained emotionally and physically. The job was a daily, hourly – minute by minute trigger for me. I think I did that job because I understand and empathize with the broken people down there. Every shift I would remind myself – even out loud at times, Carrie – this could have been you. In every statistic I have heard I am a complete anomaly.
Just look at my brother and sister… My brother is a convicted murderer and sexual offender. My sister has been neck deep in drugs and crime since a teenager. They are the statistics people are talking about, comparing me too. Most don’t survive what we went through. And, please don’t think that because my siblings have heartbeats that they have survived. They are still in their nightmare. They just never had whatever it took to break away from it all..to believe in something else, or themselves.
I’m made of something different…I’m too fucking resilient if you ask me. I’m fucking Teflon. At least I know for sure I was. I got myself out of that – early on I began my fight for happiness and freedom from hurt. I am happily married with three beautiful healthy children.
Here’s the problem. My family, my abusers are still out and around. They are in my world. My mother and brother have showed up at my work – for a legit reason, but my mom saw me and has been trying to contact me since. I’m absolutely terrified. My brother has been in the same building as me. My brother wants to kill me. My brother hates me so much. My brother used to sexually abuse me when we were young – I told the school staff and they reported it. My brother has hated me since, he blamed his sex crimes on the fact that I had ratted him out when we were younger.
My brother is a killer. He has been involved in at least five sexual assaults. He is out in this world – free to hurt someone else. Before his release after serving a ten year sentence for the murder of Donald Keats of Maple Ridge, BC – the people who were assessing him had said that he had expressed his desire to slit my throat from ear to ear.
I am afraid. I am tired of being afraid.
Here’s the thing though…I’m not giving up!