I saw you in my dreams Dad. We were in a school gym. I was sitting up in the middle bleachers. I was by myself but as I looked into the bleachers around me there was a few friends seated about. As I waved to my friend I was smiling. It’s then that I saw you. You were sitting at the front row by yourself. No one was on the whole bleacher but you. At first I was wondering why he was the only one on that bleacher when the place was packed. Then I felt a jolt inside my heart. “Dad! It’s my Dad!” I screamed. I was confused. I looked back at my friend as screamed “Jan, that’s my father – he’s here, he’s …he’s alive!”
She just looked at me. I think this is when I must have had some idea that something here wasn’t right. What were you doing here? You died. Your dead. Everything around me seemed to go quiet. You never got up. You just turned your head to look at me. You looked better than the last time I saw you. You were wearing the all familiar black / grey plaid jacket over a black t-shirt. I could see you had a pack of cigarettes in your front pocket. You were wearing your blue jeans and your favorite black Dayton’s. You smiled a little at me.
In that moment I was conflicted. I was excited, but afraid. I was physically afraid, I remember that my body wanted to jump forward and make my way to you –but my body was just stuck. I couldn’t move. I just stood there feeling my body begin to shake. Then I woke up.
I saw you Dad. My dream was so clear. It felt as though you were here with me again. I was happy, I was excited – but mostly I was afraid. When I awoke I could feel the fear still inside my body. This is how I felt even when you were still alive Dad. I was always so happy to see or hear from you – but I was always so afraid. You were equivalent to holding a grenade with an already pulled pin. I never knew when you would blow up leaving behind broken and damaged wreckage beyond repair.
I know you too were damaged by people who should have taken care of you. I know there was never any true peace for you on earth Dad. Your world was full of pain and hurt. When I saw you in my dream I could still see the pain in your eyes. Everything still felt heavy… I wish for the burdens to be lifted from you Dad. I wish you peace, wherever you may be.
Love from your Daughter,