Dearest of Carries,
I feel compelled to write you having read your blog. As I mentioned in my text, I would fire you off an email versus texting as that takes too long. I am really struck by your writing because it is right from the heart. That is a gift of yours, which is to speak from your heart, which by the way, is so big. You are a very special person and someone who is loved by so many people.
When I read your blog, as I mentioned, I felt so moved by the openness of your heart and felt so sad for the little girl who feels so much sadness. I am familiar with sadness, as I too grew up feeling unwanted, abandoned and struggled with complex PTSD throughout my life. I am a product of abuse (sexual, emotional, mental, physical) that showed up in my life and I spent years feeling so much pain, that was in the depth of my being, a primal pain, a break of the heart that ran so deep, and felt like I would never experience reprieve. I too am a survivor.
No one can understand my experience except those who have known that place, who have known the depth of pain and suffering and loss unless they too are survivors and have shared in the same emotional, mental and psychological suffering that comes from a lifetime of neglect, trauma and abuse. So, although my story is not the same as yours, I resonate with the deep feeling of loss, pain, heart break and the emotional and mental torture expressed in your blog.
I also felt angry to hear someone tell you…. “don’t you get it, neither of your mom’s wanted you”….. and felt so sad and also compelled to write you back, when I saw that you actually believed there might be some validity to that.
Dearest of lovely souls, you are so wanted and valued because you exist, because you are your beautiful, valuable, worthy, deserving, unique, brilliant, bright, talented, loving self. Your experience with your mom’s is not about you beloved, but about them. Whether it be your biological mom or Anj, it is about what is going on for them, and has NOTHING to do with you being a loveable, wanted, valuable being.
Yes, the feeling of pain and heartbreak is real….. and, I personally don’t believe it is your cross to bear… It is how you feel at this time, but I know from personal experience that the pain of the heart that runs so deep can heal… It takes work, as you know, but it can happen… Lots of love to you girl…
Keep on writing hun….
Lots of love,